I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit", as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I got my hair highlighted, because I thought some strands were more important than others

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of a minibar, I always decide that I'll go and replace it before they check... but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have Coke... in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly...

I hate flossing. I wish I had one, loonngg, curvy tooth.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you're an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis! ... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights, and tell you exactly which way it's coming

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread? That stuff is fancy... it's wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it... I don't need another step between me and toast.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer

I hate dreaming because when you go to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. I go to sleep, and next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut! I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under 'D'"

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches?" "All-encompassingly..." 

My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too' -- I don't get it!"